Hub-B: Why cats are better than dogs
It has come to my attention that there is a general bias against my feline friends. Yes, catism is rampant and the catists who discriminate against those most precious of animals are relentless in their attacks. But what is driving this obvious envy? Why would anyone ever even attempt to claim that cats are inferior to dogs? The following is a list that will once and for all end the debate and put cats in their rightful place atop the animal kingdom.
1) Aslan is a cat. Yes, I'm going there. Aslan is THE lion in the Narnia series and is literally God. I can't imagine that God would ever be represented by anything less regal or elegant as the King of the Jungle. Can you imagine God being represented by a dim-witted Chihuahua? It doesn't make much sense now does it?
2) When has a cat ever been "put down" for being too aggressive? I believe the correct answer is... NEVER. At least once a month I have to waste 2 minutes of my life watching a story on the 9 o'clock news about another angry beast attacking an innocent child. Sweet kitty-cats would never even conceive of such a heinous act, yet the canine population is run by these angry malcontents that want nothing more than to taste the blood of our children. What are they? Vampires?
3) This one is self explanatory. Hideous is too kind of a word to describe this abomination. The breeder of this freak should be brought up on charges at the Hague.
4) Look at this sweet, innocent, loyal, little guy. Which one would you rather snuggle up with?
5) Dogs have a permanent reek about them. It is a stench somewhere between stale Fritos and feces. In fact, I don't understand how it is that when you clean a dog they actually smell worse. Wet dog = awful. Cats, on the other hand, are notorious bathers. They clean themselves religiously throughout the day, making sure to lick their paws in order to reach places their tongues cannot. I have heard it said that cleanliness is next to Godliness. Touche.
6) I think part of the reason that people attempt to convince themselves that dogs are better than cats is that dogs are easier to train and tend to be more obedient than cats. Let's not confuse "better" with a general lack of intelligence. Dogs = dependent. Cats = independent. According to our Founding Fathers, independence was one of the highest virtues. It was worth sacrificing their fortunes, their lives, and their sacred honor. Cats seem to agree. So either you agree with the Founding Fathers, and by default cats, or you are a communist dog worshiper. Which one are you, Pinko?
7) If a dog chases you, you can escape by climbing a tree. If a cat chases you (not that a domesticated cat would ever subject himself to such a menial task), there is no escape. Cats can climb, jump, sneak, see in the dark, etc. Dogs are loud, slobbery, and limited to 2 dimensions. Cats can move horizontally and excel at the vertical game whereas the only time a dog gets vertical is when you dig him a grave. Cats prove their superiority yet again.
8) The "Dog Days of Summer". See my previous post on "Why Summer Sucks". If dogs are associated with summer, then I needn't say anything more. Dogs must suck too.
9) Do you like the Wizard of Oz? Of course you do, everyone does. One of the easiest to remember quotes goes like this: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!" Lions and Tigers are cats, and bears are pure awesomeness. Now can you imagine if L. Frank Baum had decided to go with "Poodles and Chihuahuas and Spaniels"? Me neither. No one would have continued reading the book and we all might have been spared 70 years of trying to figure out why Liza Minnelli is supposedly important and ever got on the silver screen
10) Cats are the King of the Jungle. What can dogs claim? Nothing. It's good to be King and cats know it!
11) I am an avid football fan. To be more specific, I root for the Denver Broncos. As such, I frequently hear them referred to as "underdogs". This is a negative connotation and I don't know anyone who would prefer to be an underdog as compared to the other team. Just the thought of being under a dog is repulsive. When was the last time you cleaned under a dog? I didn't think so.
12) Cats use litter boxes and cover their shame. Dogs use you carpet, couch, bed, in short anything that you value and that they can destroy. I don't remember all of "Apocalypse Now" but I don't believe the line went "I love the smell of dog pee in the morning".
13) Cats hunt vermin that nobody likes: rats, mice, squirrels, pigeons, etc. Remind me again what dogs hunt? Oh yes, we already established that: your children.
If these 13 items don't convince you to stop your catist, hate-mongering ways, then nothing will. But at least your ignorance can longer be the source of your dislike for the most regal of creatures. You have been exposed as a lover of filth, dependency, clumsiness, audible offensiveness, and someone who enjoys eating Fritos. In short, go "Occupy" something you pig.
1) Aslan is a cat. Yes, I'm going there. Aslan is THE lion in the Narnia series and is literally God. I can't imagine that God would ever be represented by anything less regal or elegant as the King of the Jungle. Can you imagine God being represented by a dim-witted Chihuahua? It doesn't make much sense now does it?
2) When has a cat ever been "put down" for being too aggressive? I believe the correct answer is... NEVER. At least once a month I have to waste 2 minutes of my life watching a story on the 9 o'clock news about another angry beast attacking an innocent child. Sweet kitty-cats would never even conceive of such a heinous act, yet the canine population is run by these angry malcontents that want nothing more than to taste the blood of our children. What are they? Vampires?
3) This one is self explanatory. Hideous is too kind of a word to describe this abomination. The breeder of this freak should be brought up on charges at the Hague.
4) Look at this sweet, innocent, loyal, little guy. Which one would you rather snuggle up with?
5) Dogs have a permanent reek about them. It is a stench somewhere between stale Fritos and feces. In fact, I don't understand how it is that when you clean a dog they actually smell worse. Wet dog = awful. Cats, on the other hand, are notorious bathers. They clean themselves religiously throughout the day, making sure to lick their paws in order to reach places their tongues cannot. I have heard it said that cleanliness is next to Godliness. Touche.
6) I think part of the reason that people attempt to convince themselves that dogs are better than cats is that dogs are easier to train and tend to be more obedient than cats. Let's not confuse "better" with a general lack of intelligence. Dogs = dependent. Cats = independent. According to our Founding Fathers, independence was one of the highest virtues. It was worth sacrificing their fortunes, their lives, and their sacred honor. Cats seem to agree. So either you agree with the Founding Fathers, and by default cats, or you are a communist dog worshiper. Which one are you, Pinko?
7) If a dog chases you, you can escape by climbing a tree. If a cat chases you (not that a domesticated cat would ever subject himself to such a menial task), there is no escape. Cats can climb, jump, sneak, see in the dark, etc. Dogs are loud, slobbery, and limited to 2 dimensions. Cats can move horizontally and excel at the vertical game whereas the only time a dog gets vertical is when you dig him a grave. Cats prove their superiority yet again.
8) The "Dog Days of Summer". See my previous post on "Why Summer Sucks". If dogs are associated with summer, then I needn't say anything more. Dogs must suck too.
9) Do you like the Wizard of Oz? Of course you do, everyone does. One of the easiest to remember quotes goes like this: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!" Lions and Tigers are cats, and bears are pure awesomeness. Now can you imagine if L. Frank Baum had decided to go with "Poodles and Chihuahuas and Spaniels"? Me neither. No one would have continued reading the book and we all might have been spared 70 years of trying to figure out why Liza Minnelli is supposedly important and ever got on the silver screen
10) Cats are the King of the Jungle. What can dogs claim? Nothing. It's good to be King and cats know it!
11) I am an avid football fan. To be more specific, I root for the Denver Broncos. As such, I frequently hear them referred to as "underdogs". This is a negative connotation and I don't know anyone who would prefer to be an underdog as compared to the other team. Just the thought of being under a dog is repulsive. When was the last time you cleaned under a dog? I didn't think so.
12) Cats use litter boxes and cover their shame. Dogs use you carpet, couch, bed, in short anything that you value and that they can destroy. I don't remember all of "Apocalypse Now" but I don't believe the line went "I love the smell of dog pee in the morning".
13) Cats hunt vermin that nobody likes: rats, mice, squirrels, pigeons, etc. Remind me again what dogs hunt? Oh yes, we already established that: your children.
If these 13 items don't convince you to stop your catist, hate-mongering ways, then nothing will. But at least your ignorance can longer be the source of your dislike for the most regal of creatures. You have been exposed as a lover of filth, dependency, clumsiness, audible offensiveness, and someone who enjoys eating Fritos. In short, go "Occupy" something you pig.
hahaha! This is awesome. I love B's posts. This is so great: "Remind me again what dogs hunt? Oh yes, we already established that: your children" and this: "Cats use litter boxes and cover their shame." haha
ReplyDelete-surbhi