The Hobbit - an Unexpected Stench
Let me start by saying that both C and I are huge Lord of the Rings fans. But we watched the Hobbit last night - terrible. I could literally see the stink lines pouring out of our TV and Blu-ray player. How is it that a movie made almost 10 years after the first trilogy actually looks worse? Isn't technology better now? Why was everything CG? It was reminiscent of a CG Yoda 20 years after the fact - he looked God-awful. So much for "do or do not, there is no try." Real life make-up looks better - just like real life. If your characters look like something off of my Xbox that's where they belong. Here's what the official movie poster should have been:
This movie cost an estimated $300 million to produce and another $81 million to market. What cost so much? Software is a one-time cost. Did you really pay your computer graphics guys several hundred million for that farce of a movie? I'd get my money back and fire those chumps.
What about the director - Peter Jackson. After such a brilliant interpretation of the first three movies, this is the follow-up? All I can figure is that fat Peter Jackson = brilliant and thin Peter Jackson = hallucinations. Seriously, it reminds me of John Daly the golfer. When he was a drunk he played brilliantly. The minute he went "clean" he lost his Ju-ju. Same thing with Peter Jackson. Someone get that man a triple-cheeseburger with chili cheese fries ASAP.
All of the additions to the story were just flat out lame. 3 rock monsters that look like Transformers, really? A giant, one-armed CG orc that looked like a bad video game from the 90's? Radagast the Brown with bird doodie in his hair?
I know something else that is brown:
Come on! How could anyone think this was a good idea? If I was Sir Ian McKellen I would have opted out of this stink fest. As for the rest of the actors new to the series, here's how I imagine the conversation going when they tell people they were part of this:
New Bilbo, dwarves, etc. to someone they are trying to impress: "I was in the Lord of the Rings"
Impressee: "Wow, really? Which one? Who did you play?"
New Bilbo, dwarves, etc. to someone they are trying to impress: "I played Lame-O the dwarf in the Hobbit."
Former Impressee: "Now I know what that stench in the room is"... heads immediately home to throw-up and take a shower.
That just about sums it up. If you have donated nearly 3 hours of your life to the Hobbit, my apologies. If you haven't, let me make a suggestion: take those 3 hours and go muck a stable instead. Your nostrils will thank you.
This movie cost an estimated $300 million to produce and another $81 million to market. What cost so much? Software is a one-time cost. Did you really pay your computer graphics guys several hundred million for that farce of a movie? I'd get my money back and fire those chumps.
What about the director - Peter Jackson. After such a brilliant interpretation of the first three movies, this is the follow-up? All I can figure is that fat Peter Jackson = brilliant and thin Peter Jackson = hallucinations. Seriously, it reminds me of John Daly the golfer. When he was a drunk he played brilliantly. The minute he went "clean" he lost his Ju-ju. Same thing with Peter Jackson. Someone get that man a triple-cheeseburger with chili cheese fries ASAP.
All of the additions to the story were just flat out lame. 3 rock monsters that look like Transformers, really? A giant, one-armed CG orc that looked like a bad video game from the 90's? Radagast the Brown with bird doodie in his hair?
I know something else that is brown:
Come on! How could anyone think this was a good idea? If I was Sir Ian McKellen I would have opted out of this stink fest. As for the rest of the actors new to the series, here's how I imagine the conversation going when they tell people they were part of this:
New Bilbo, dwarves, etc. to someone they are trying to impress: "I was in the Lord of the Rings"
Impressee: "Wow, really? Which one? Who did you play?"
New Bilbo, dwarves, etc. to someone they are trying to impress: "I played Lame-O the dwarf in the Hobbit."
Former Impressee: "Now I know what that stench in the room is"... heads immediately home to throw-up and take a shower.
That just about sums it up. If you have donated nearly 3 hours of your life to the Hobbit, my apologies. If you haven't, let me make a suggestion: take those 3 hours and go muck a stable instead. Your nostrils will thank you.
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