Why Summer Sucks

B wanted to start a little section of this blog heaven, it shall be named Hub B, and his post on why Summer Sucks - please enjoy!

It seems like Christina and I are in the minority on this topic, but remember the saying about the ignorance of the masses. Most people claim to love summer and for the life of me I can't figure out why. So in no particular order, here are some of my reasons why Summer Sucks and the best part about it is that it only comes once a year.

1) BBQing: I like grilling, but who decided that it makes sense to stand outside next to a metal oven that is cooking at 400 degrees or hotter when it is already too stinking hot outside to even sit in the shade. I think people are trying to convince themselves that being outside while it's "nice" trumps all. WRONG! Let's keep the BBQing, but do it when being close to an outdoor oven makes sense. Can you say Autumn / Winter?

2) Bugs: Three years running now we have been unable to enjoy the neighborhood fireworks due to mosquitoes. This is not an exaggeration. Last night we tried to sit outside (where incidentally it was cooler than being inside) and within 5 minutes Christina had more than 5 bites and we called it a night (even with a citronella candle). She doesn't just get little bites either, I think mosquitoes from the Jurassic period still exist outside of our house, but only when we actually try to enjoy the outdoors. Again, summer is the only time of year we have this issue. Fall / Winter wins again. Same thing can be said for the hornets / wasps / stingy flying pests (except for honeybees). They suck and I love the cold weather even more knowing that those jerks can't survive.

3) Yard Work: We live in a covenant controlled community and I don't mind it. Except for the fact that they limit your water usage and then send you nasty-grams when you lawn has a tiny streak of brown caused by a compressor that a roofer used the day before. The guy next door to me apparently has figured out a way around this by allowing both his front and back yard to be 100% weeds, but the minute my lawn shows "signs of distress" I get a letter from the HOA. If you want my yard to be green, then stop sending me letters about how we all need to conserve water and that we can only water 3 days a week. On second thought, don't do that either. Water bills are too high as it is, sprinklers fail every year and cost way too much to replace, and we are essentially a mile-high desert. We take good care of our lawn, it is one of the best in the neighborhood, so back-off. Focus on weed-man next door and don't worry about one little brown streak on my lawn. Remember the story about taking the log out of your own eye before worrying about my spec? Hypocrites.

4) AC Bills / Water Bills / Hot Weather bills: We don't have a functional AC as the unit is so small it might cool a 6 pack on the best day of its life. Even in the winter our water bills run a minimum of $100, so imagine how much more it costs in the summer. Through in fence repair, sprinkler repair / start-up costs, and the cost of running fans 24 /7 and summer becomes more expensive than any other season. And for what? To be hot and miserable all day? I can't take a walk in the morning or at night because even the low temps are higher than can be good for any reasonable human being. When my cat decides it's so hot that he would rather lay in the basement for 3 months straight than with his family, that's all I need to know. You suck Summer.

5) Food: Food is a wonderful thing, and good drink. But in the summer, I don't want to eat anything tasty because it is too hot to enjoy. And how often can I eat salad? But in Fall / Winter, food warms you, the menu is robust, the grill / oven warm you and you can enjoy a good glass of wine or scotch with any meal. In the summer you are relegated to burgers, salads of various sorts (potato, macaroni, lettuce), and general scuz that isn't fit for a dog. Fall / Winter has turkey, pumpkin, gravy, meatloaf, and an endless variety of true comfort food. The only thing comforting about summer food is when it comes out the other end.

6) Sunburns / Sunstroke / Dehydration / Sweating / etc: This is fun, eh? Best time of year you say? Time for the men in white coats to make a house call. Fall / Winter reign supreme again.

7) Construction Season / Accidents Galore:  All winter long we look forward to better driving conditions where we don't have to "white knuckle" it to the grocery store. What's this you say? Is he going to say something positive about Summer and negative about Winter? Are you so dehydrated from the blazing hot fire ball in the sky that you really thought that? Anyway, my point is that when the roads are dry and finally clear of ice, mud, etc. you would think that driving conditions would improve. Wrong again, Bucko. In the last week there have been several roll-over accidents alone here in the Drunkest State in the Union (look it up). How do you have an accident when it is 90+ degrees and clear as a bell? Idiots! Then there is all the road construction. Why does it take 3 months to patch some potholes? Why do you need to close 5 miles of road to patch a 100 ft section? Why is no one ever working or even on site, yet they remember to leave the cones out to block you from getting home to enjoy what few hours a day you get with your family? Communists. Again, give me the Fall / Winter where at least there is a reason for road delays.

8) Summer Clothes: Everyone is always worried about being too white or having chicken legs (this one is mine). So I know, let's wear clothes that take away any mystery whatsoever and show the world that our varicose veins are in fact longer than the Amazon River. Better yet, let's subject our already imperfect skin to excessive heat / sunlight and bugs that sting. What's that you say? We have to wear these clothes because it's too hot for jeans and sweaters? You made my point for me. Rot in hell Summer.

9) Loss of Sleep: Numerous studies have shown that the best sleep comes in cooler weather. If you don't like or need sleep, then write your own blog moron!

10) "Seasonal Allergies": Let's call a spade a spade. This only happens in Spring / Summer a.k.a. hot sucky time of year. Unless someone can claim an allergy to snow, and they would be liars, then again Summer is a loser.

11) Angry Time of Year: The heat makes people angry, especially me. I have noticed that the most irritated I am, Baron is, and Christina is, coincides with the temperature. Hot = Summer = Angry. Cold = Fall / Winter = Happy-Go-Lucky. Think critically on this point. If this describes you or the ones you love, then maybe you hate Summer too, or should start!

12) Gas Prices: Always higher in the Summer. ALWAYS. Cheapest gas of the year is in the Winter. Ding ding, we have a winner here as well.

13) Crate & Barrel / Pottery Barn / etc: Ever go into either of these places in the Summer? Amazing isn't it? Outdoor furniture that costs more than a college education, crummy pastel colored everything, and wreathes made out of avocados. If this is worth your money, then you clearly aren't paying enough in taxes.

14) Limited Holidays: I like Memorial Day, 4th of July, and Labor day, but they are pretty similar when you get down to it. Barbeque, potato salads, etc. 4th of July does have fireworks, but let's stop and examine that. Fireworks are almost always illegal to use, but very legal to buy. Obviously people are going to use what they buy, but can't we pick a better time of year to ignite bottle rockets, ground flowers, etc than the height of dry, crackling, fire season? You could actually make it legal to use what is legal to buy and not risk burning down someone's home in the Winter when the snow is falling. Fireworks are cool, but not in the Summer. Winter wins again. Now what are the two best Holidays? Thanksgiving and Christmas. And when do those holidays take place? Fall and Winter. Which holidays do we normally get two days off instead of one because the weather is so awesome and we aren't cranky and actually want to see family: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Which holidays have the best decorations? You got it.

15) No School: Everyone is always worried about getting a good education, "what about the children"? What about the children? Does it make sense to stop teaching kids and deprive them of much needed air-conditioning when they need it the most? Does it make sense to force families to spend more than they can afford on lavish vacations so kids can have something to talk about on their first day back to class? Does it make sense to have to re-teach 3 months' worth of work rather than advancing onto new topics? Summer is ruining our children's educations. No more Summer.

16) Smelly Garbage: Between the grass clippings and the general hot-box that is our garage, the garbage puts off an odor somewhere between rotting, pus-filled wound, and B.O. Cold weather eliminates grass clippings and keeps your garbage cool and refrigerated. Ergo, no smell. Summer, you stink like my garage.

17) Ice Cream Melts: What should be the best time of the year to eat this tasty treat is actually the worst. By your third bite what was originally ice cream is now a pool of diarrhea: warm and runny. Thanks for not letting me cool down with something tasty, Summer. But you go right on rocking!

18) Baseball: Is he serious? Yes I'm serious. Baseball is lame. Name one other job where a man can take a week off because he has a hang-nail? I'm serious, this actually happens. When does baseball season get played (primarily, don't get all technical with me and say that the World Series is in Fall)? Summer. Wimpy men = baseball = Summer. World Series = steroid ball season over = Fall = Thank God.

Aren't you getting tired of me proving you wrong? Just give in and recognize the truth. Summer sucks. Not just a little, it sucks infinity. Nothing is better in the Summer, NOTHING. More bugs, more expensive, crappier food, hotter than the Middle East, crummy clothes, pets don't love you as much, people are crankier, dehydration, it sucks, it sucks, it sucks.

This is the truth, not as I see it, but as it actually is. You can disagree, but my 18 points are solid. I win. Summer is the worst season of the year, every year, and it can't end soon enough. 89 more days of pure torture laden hell and then we can all enjoy our lives again. Until my next session, stay cool.

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